Sunday, April 1, 2018

The Family Shame



It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to blame.

You were so helpless, and what a shame.

He invaded your body, created a wound,

took your innocence from you much too soon.

No one held your hand and said, “it would be okay,”

they sent you back in with him, told you to “go play.”



So deep inside hid the family secret,

and the little girl they expected to keep it,

but you could not stay silent,

you lashed out, became defiant.

You kicked, screamed, and cut yourself.

You had been benched, your feelings on a shelf.



Then they turned on you, because you embarrassed them so.

You told the secrets no one was supposed to know.

They pointed their fingers, but you weren’t to blame.

You were only a child living in pain.

The scapegoat you were. The black sheep you’ve been,

and in sight there seemed to be no end.



 You’ve carried the burden upon your shoulders,

and prayed things would get better when you’re older.

The pain continued, tears often shed,

and may times you wished yourself dead,

but you stood tall, as tall as can be.

Now no one will ever again bring you to your knees.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

My Costume


Inspired by the book Outlaw written by Ted Dekker



The flesh I wear, my dirt brown skin,

weak muscles glazed in fat,

bones and joints, red cells, white cells,

nerves running long and deep

it needs, it wants.



It needs water to survive.

It wants poison in a shot glass,

ping pong balls in red, plastic cups

colorful drinks, umbrella decorations,

with salt on the rim.



It needs air to breathe.

It wants Marlboro Menthols

to take the edge off, grass in a pipe

to get in the mood, herbs baked in

chocolate cupcakes so it can relax.



It needs love and affection.

It wants to hook-up

in the back of a Nissan,

to feel warmth, another body

one with it’s own, lips and tongues,

sweat and blood, still it’s not enough.

It wants more. More flesh, more blood,

more skin.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

The 5 Stages of Grief Song Cycle

Song Cycle Recording (Click link to listen)

Please enjoy the genius composition of good my friend Stephen Ryan Jackson, and the fantastic piano accompaniment of Mrs. Abigail Payne Sanders. This song cycle is for anyone who has ever loved and lost; and to the ones who left us broken hearted, life goes on.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

The Five Stages of Grief (Acceptance)


I may have loved him without knowing



He had eyes like whisky,

I dared to swim in them,

to drink from his gaze.

I may have loved him without knowing.



He had skin like the earth,

skin like mine, but not like mine,

the Indian guy and the black girl,

the Asian and the African.

I may have loved him without knowing.



I was blinded by kisses and caresses,

hands that uncovered every inch,

fingers, arms, and legs entwined.

I may have loved him without knowing.



I refused to say the words,

to speak without thinking,

refused to give him my heart.

Still, I may have loved him without knowing.



Even when he stopped calling,

stopped coming around,

I remembered the warmth of his body,

his breath on my face.

Now he’s gone and I knew he would be.

I may have loved him without knowing.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The Five Stages of Grief (Bargaining)


Anything 


You were right to leave,

right to call a quits. I wasn’t

good enough; wasn’t good for us,

but I could change.

If you come back things would be

different.



I could lose the weight.

No more love handles,

no more chubby girl.

I could do it for you,

be the woman you want me to be.



I could grow my hair long.

You loved to run your fingers

through my hair, but there was

never enough,

I was never enough.



I could leave my job,

make more time for you,

more time for us.

Give you all of me for as

long as you want.



If you would just come back,

I could be the lover you want.

I’d learn to please you,

make you yearn for me, salivate

at the very thought of me.

I would do that for you.

I would do anything for you,

anything.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

The Five Stages of Grief (Depression)


Nothing to You

Tossed away, 
used, 
abused,
consumed like last night’s dinner,

gobbled up quick.

Chunks of heart, spirit, and soul swallowed up,

down your gullet, washed down by Guinness and Shiner,

broken down in the intestines of the monster I gave it all to,

only to be excreted in nearest men’s room.



Waste is what I am to you,

leftovers in the sink diminished, demolished,

destroyed by the garbage disposal.

The roar of the machine as it shreds the very

last of me. Deafening. Fatal. Finished.



I am not even a thought.

There is nothing left.

I am nothing to you. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Five Stages of Grief (Anger)


If I could take back every kiss,

 touch and embrace I would.

If I could I would package them up,

send them far, far way.

Maybe it would be better to burn them up,

every memory of you and me in flames,

flush the ashes down the toilet,

send them to the sewer from whence you came.

If only I could forget every word that ever came

out of your mouth, the lies, the shit, the promises,

sweet nothings turned sour like milk.



Damn you and every moment we spent together,

you ugly, lying, gutless bastard.

I won’t miss any of it. I won’t miss you.

I never loved you, in fact I hate you.

I hate you!



Who do you think you are

walking out on me?

How dare you leave after you said

you loved me.

How could you look me in the eyes and lie?